When you left without
by TFALokiwriter
Summary: A conversation between Spock and Leonard McCoy regarding James Kirk after Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Pre-Slash.


"When you left without a word, that last day, on the _Enterprise_ ," McCoy said. "Jim died that day."

"Illogical, as he is still alive and breathing." Spock said.

McCoy sighed.

"I meant . . . He was just a walking shell of the person he used to be. I saw the change. That charismatic man retreated into a cold depression, perhaps that is the best word to describe it, and when he did smile." McCoy shuddered. "Those were forced."

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow.

"And how does that relate to me?" Spock asked.

"Damn it, Spock," McCoy said. "Isn't it obvious that HE LOVES YOU? Or are you that cold?"

Spock lowered his eyebrow.

"I am pleased you complimented my Vulcan half." Spock said.

"That's not what I meant, Spock," McCoy said. "Two years later,I met a desperate man asking me to come back for him. That man was not James T. Kirk. That man was James _VACANT_ Kirk. I don't know if you have yet to realize it, Spock, but you are _his_ humanity as much as he is your humanity to you. He just needed me to help him make sure he was still himself."

"Fascinating, you speak as though we are _T'hy'las_." Spock said.

"Let me guess: Vulcan word for soul mates." McCoy said.

"For males." Spock said.

McCoy didn't seem to be surprised.

"And all this time I thought you were asexual," McCoy mused. Spock raised an eyebrow. "Forget it." The Vulcan lowered his eyebrow. "I don't know what would happen if you left again," McCoy briefly closed his eyes shaking his head. "Let alone: died on Jim. It would be catastrophic for him. Not the _Enterprise_. The whole world wouldn't matter to him. Not even the galaxy and the universe to his disposal. He will be a empty former shell walking on egg shells, acting like he is sleep walking going on auto-pilot, and . . . Not _the_ Admiral James T. Kirk that we all love and know."

"Doctor McCoy," Spock said. "If he were attracted to me, wouldn't he admitted to it?"

McCoy looked at Spock in disbelief.

"Spock, there are many times when he has." McCoy said.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Hm?" Spock said.

"Saving your brain; do you honestly think a captain in his position would do the same? Let alone you? I went with to make sure Jim was going to come out of it alive, and you, too, Spock. Losing both of you in one day would _kill_ _me_!" McCoy said. "Not if I did everything that I could to ensure your continued existence." Spock lowered his eyebrow. "I would blame myself if I didn't get there on time for you two. You remember the time when on Zalos II where the serpent anaconda beings were what you and Jim were becoming? Jim took a bite out apple to be a willing participant, I just never expected him to undergo the change faster than you."

"But he was human." Spock said.

"Of course," McCoy said. "We could have used some-one else aboard but . . . Jim insisted." McCoy shook his hand. "Which is why you saw Jim naked in the observation room after you were cured. Jim had a lot of shedding to do. His transformation back to a human was. . . I don't know how it was, all I know is that the room was covered in dents and scales. A complete mess!"

"How come I was not aware of this?" Spock asked.

"You were in and out of it, not lucid," McCoy said. "Saying nonsense, hissing, and . . . I like you better when you are you, honestly, you give me the right dose of grief."

"How do I give you grief?" Spock asked.

"And the other time where you were held captive by the populace of Kardazz-uh, those girls who were clamoring over you, I voted to leave you there and learn what it felt like to be around girls who are attracted to you!" McCoy said, ignoring that comment. "Going in was the most bravest and perhaps most stupidest decision in the history of decisions. But it all turned out for the best. We got you in the exchange of the loss of two Security Officers. Oh, and there was also the time where you were being transformed into a centaur with four arms. Did you honestly think Jim went on his own without me to find a cure for you straight from a wizard? Do you notice how he never marries any of the girls he meets? Those looks he gives them? Cold hard, suspicious ones that lack their 'caring' charisma. The ones he give you are of affection and warmth. Love, Spock, Jim is just full of it."

"Doctor, I have underestimated your observations." Spock said.

"This time,Spock," McCoy said. "When you leave, you better own up to your emotions and become the master of them. Just tell him you are leaving!"

"If he is what you have claimed to say; that is most unfortunate," Spock said. "Humans have a lesser life span than Vulcans."

"And that's why you make the best of it, hobgoblin!" McCoy said, pointing at Spock's chest. "You can't just experience your entire life without a companion. One who is loyal to you as you are to him. Life needs to be shared." McCoy lowered his hand to his side. "You are scared of losing Jim," McCoy looked at Spock wide eyed. "You scared of what _it will do to you_ when he is dead." McCoy's eyes returned to their usual size. "I have been wrong about you."

"Negative," Spock said. "I am quite capable of moving on."

"Really?" McCoy asked. "Last time he ' _died_ ', you wanted to resign and turn yourself in. You would have followed Jim to hell or heaven, whatever happened, you surely would have died to follow him because it was _your fault_. That look on your face when Jim appeared. That convinced me you cared for him as he cared for you. I suppose Jim already knows."

"Knows what?" Spock asked.

"That you love him back." McCoy said.

"Vulcans do not feel." Spock said.

"You are _half_ Vulcan," McCoy said. "And we make you feel much as you make us feel."

Spock raised an arched eyebrow.

"Is that supposed to mean something?" Spock asked.

McCoy sighed.

"You can't dance around this issue forever, Spock," McCoy said. "And . . . You coming back into Jim's life? I knew you were back when that light returned to Jim's eyes, the first he stepped into sick bay, along with LLyia. The captain was back, and so was his other half." Spock lowered his eyebrow down. "It was good to see Jim again."

"But you indicated he was there the entire time." Spock said.

"Not all the way there," McCoy said. "It is like you purging yourself and being half dead. Like what you did, now excuse me, I have to treat Chekov for a food allergy."

Spock watched the doctor go past him.

"I never did complete it." Spock mentioned, in a low voice.

And the doctor vanished in the hallway.

 **The End**.


End file.
